Escape from the cold

I can't believe how cold it is here in Wisconsin already and it is not even October yet! Lucky for us, I will be booking a SUV rental today for our trip out of this cold and into the fun and sun of Florida for 1 week! This will be the first time Greg and I have actually taken a vacation together in the 10 years we have been together. And, the lucky little princess (Dakota, our 7-month old chocolate lab) will be coming with us. Ironically my aunt will be having a 60th birthday party and she lives in Florida!! So, we will be spending a week at my cousin's house and spending the Thanksgiving holidays with my family.

For those that do not know - Thanksgiving is a very difficult holiday for me. In November 2002, Greg came down with pneumonia a few days before Thanksgiving and it was Thanksgiving Day itself that he was put on a ventilator. He was in the hospital originally for just IV treatment, which turned into 9 weeks in 2 different hospitals and 8 months total with a trach - on a ventilator. Needless to say, it was a Thanksgiving that I was greatly thankful for Greg being alive but wanted to forget the holiday all together because of how painful it was to watch his body fill with 23 lbs of fluid and fight to take a breath - even with the machine to help. His kidneys started to fade shortly after and he had dialysis a few times every day just to get the fluid out of his body.

With that said, my mind seems to wander on Thanksgiving to that time and the fight we had to go through. Yes, we came out of that fight better people than we went in but it is still a difficult time for me. Of course, Greg was sleeping most of the time so it was less traumatic for him. That is why we are both happy for the chance to actually go on vacation and celebrate this day. Maybe this will allow me to put closer to that incident - renewing the date with my family, a huge 7-course Italian style Thanksgiving, and celebrating rather than reliving.

Dealing with a terminal illness in one's family and being the primary caregiver to that person is not an easy task. It takes from you mentally, physically, and spiritually - and, if you are not careful, sometimes you lose parts of yourself that you can never get back. People have praised me for standing by my husband - but to me there was no choice. You see, love overcomes fear when times become desperate. Since we always took Greg's health into the circumstances of our life (when making choices), we had already discussed the terminal stages and what his wishes would be - it was through those conversations that I was able to truly speak on his behalf - even when he could not speak. I did not have to second guess myself - I just always let the love in my heart speak rather than any emotions or human responses. That love won the fight... and it is for that reason that we will be celebrating Thanksgiving this year with sunshine, warmth, family, and a huge food fest!