Kids and Illness

Some time ago, Greg and I had decided not to have our own children. The thought of bringing home an infant with as low as an immune system as my husband made us a bit nervous. In all reality, children get colds left and right. How was I to care for an infant and protect my husband at the same time, under the same roof? And, God forbid Greg get sick, how could I care for both - and what if we had more than one child?

But something has been bothering me - in the last few years, I have had these dreams of my children - babies to be more exact. They are usually newborns and when I wake up, I wake up with the feeling of loss that takes me a couple of days to get over. You see, I have lucid dreams and very vivid dreams in which sometimes I don't want to wake. So when I have dreams about children - my own children - I wake up with their face still in my minds eye and can even remember the smell of them as I held them close to me. It is something I cannot truly describe nor truly escape for a time after that.

I am a spiritual woman and believe that our dreams are a gateway to our hearts and souls. I wonder though if this is just a mourning process in which my mind has decided to go through or if deep down inside, I should open another conversation about children with Greg. If we were to have children, not only would there be the immune system issue but also issues with us getting pregnant. If you don't know already, 97% of men with cystic fibrosis cannot have children naturally and my husband happens to be one of those men. So it would mean a medical procedure, putting my own health at risk (my body doesn't like anything done to it), and then what may come after the child/children are born.

During my waking hours, I am at peace with the decision not to have children. Who knows, maybe we will adopt an older child. But, it is when I have these dreams that I wonder if what we are doing is right. It is when I get an email from another gentleman that has cystic fibrosis, announcing the birth of his first child, that I wonder if we too could make that dream a reality. I am now 32 years old and my time to do this is slowly fading - too much pressure - I wish my mind would just clear for a moment so that I can think without emotion. Funny though, I am a woman and sometimes emotion is our greatest asset and other times it is our greatest fault.

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us