Take a turn

We are going to take a turn here; if you please. I have just now noticed that most of my blog entries are about the things in my life that have confused me or that I have had to triumph over. Recalling the memories of my past helps me to remember where I have been and how, even during my darkest of times, I have found the power to continue on that path that I had chosen. Alas, it seems that the return to the past does not necessarily serve as a reminder anymore but more like a haunting. The travels into my nightmares and fears has, indeed, given those things power in my life and that is why I am unable to move on.

You see, my whole life was filled was fear at one time. I was afraid to let people see the real me because I was afraid they would not like me. Ironically, until the age of 16, I had even been a very proud virgin and let everyone know that I was not going to have sex until I was married. Why? Because all my friends were having sex and, even though I loved her greatly, my best friend was having sex more than most did back then. She would talk about it and I wanted something to talk about with her (because we were both changing and getting distant), so I slept with a boy I was dating for 6 months and he dumped me 2 days later. I didn't realize that it was the act that was wrong and jumped from one meaningless relationship to the next - even overlapping boyfriends and hurting so many people at the same time.

I have to laugh because even that simple memory just caused my stomach to turn. So many books and shrinks will tell you that you must face your past in order to move on. I am here to say that you must accept your past, learn from it, and move on. Facing the past keeps you there and keeps you prisoner to the fear that once wrapped its arms around you and crushed the life from your soul. I keep stating how I have moved on but then I realized today that the suffocation of those arms has a strong hold because I keep bringing it back to life. I keep reliving those dark days and trying to make things right.

The right thing is to throw out the garbage. So what if people think I am wrong in not having children of my own? So what if my loved ones only speak highly of me when it comes to a high level position I have attained, the money I make, or the number of graduate degrees I have? So what if I go to visit family and I am not perfectly toned? It is you who you should be concerned with and not others. You need to love yourself for who you are today - not who you were in the past nor who you can be in the future.

So, I have made a decision. I am going to toss out the trash. Now, some of it may try to fly back into the house when the wind picks up outside but I will be ready with my broom and do the best I can to not dwell on it and not let it enter my house. There is a great saying that I cannot remember word for word but it simply states that if you bring me a gift and I refuse to accept it, that gift is still yours. So, if people speak badly, judge me, or have anything negative to say about me and I choose to not accept it and not listen, then the continue to own their own negativity and hatred. Well, I have been given enough of these so-called gifts to last me a lifetime and refuse to accept anymore.

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us