Anyway I can help

Someone had contacted me recently about entering a relationship with someone that has an illness. I agreed to respect their privacy and feel that my reply to some of the questions that I had sent may help someone else by outlining my perspective on entering such a relationship and how we overcame the roller coaster that is illness and found support in our love for one another.

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How was it for me and my husband when we first started to date and throughout our relationship? Hmm - a roller coaster ride! Greg told me online that he had CF and I went crazy researching it since I never heard of it before. It was then that I found out that 97% of men with CF cannot have children on their own. Coming from a large Italian family, this hit me hard. Not only was there a chance that I could be a widow by the time I was 30 but I may also never have children of my own. Because of this, I broke up with him a couple of times within that first 2 years - because it was just too hard. But then I realized that I was empty without him - without talking to him, without seeing him. When I think about him, I smile and my heart skips a beat (even today). I will admit, I have had crying fits and even had one large yelling tantrum at God while standing in front of Greg - for giving such a beautiful person such a horrible disease. I weighed my options greatly and finally realized that 10 minutes with Greg was worth more to me than 50 years with someone who I wasn't happy with but that was not sick and gave me children.

How do I balance our marriage? Hmm - I don't. (laugh) In the beginning I used to think about the disease and how I would balance the healthcare and relationship. Then I realized that the disease and Greg were two separate entities. I have learned to take his disease as things come. I originally thought there would be no way I could handle everything but have found strength in my love for him. We have discussed the end stages of life for both of us so we were well informed should anything happen... I prepared with life insurance for Greg... Should he not be able to work and I die. I know at what stage Greg would want to die if on machines.... And so on. As far as relationships... We do what we can to live as normal as possible and before the transplant, we chose our events carefully and would check to see if anyone else has colds... Etc... Before attending.

Do we have children? Yes and no. Being married in itself is like having a kid - my husband. (laugh) Actually we have a chocolate lab puppy and we are getting another one in 4 weeks. We have made the decision at this moment not to have kids because he is immune suppressed. But, I have always known, since I was a teen, that I would adopt older children one day because there are so many in need - all because they aren't a baby anymore. This also helps make sure that all the colds small children get are not posing such a influence on Greg's health.

Do I work? Yep. Even while my husband was the sickest and waiting for a transplant, I switched jobs, was going for my MBA, and bought a house. Greg was on disability and on O2 24/7. I made sure that my job would cover the insurance right away and explained his situation. They gave me the opportunity to work from the hospital and hotel when he was sick and during his transplant. Now I work mostly out of my house (my team is in Boston) which works out well to help prevent colds. I travel to and from Boston and he works full time in an office. We have separate things we do and do things together as well.

Okay - not that this email is not long enough but now I get down to some advice. (smile) The main thing I have learned throughout this all is that if you truly love someone, you can get through what usually seems impossible. I have sacrificed some "normal" living when Greg was at his sickest. Also, the main thing with entering a relationship with someone who has a "terminal illness" is that it opens your eyes before you enter the relationship. Many people get married and are healthy and then stricken with a disease or something - which they are not prepared for. The upside is that we learn to be prepared - the downside is the we sometimes over analyze things because of the disease.

My suggestion is that you evaluate what you want from your life. I didn't plan on my life being like it was or is today - I just happened to fall in love with a man, who happened to have CF. Look at the person first, the disease second. But before that, you need to look at yourself. It is not selfish to think about you... It is the right thing to do. Evaluating the situation before the relationship starts is very responsible because this way you are protecting yourself and the other individual. The last thing a sick person needs is someone to walk out on them when they need them most.