Escape from the cold

I can't believe how cold it is here in Wisconsin already and it is not even October yet! Lucky for us, I will be booking a SUV rental today for our trip out of this cold and into the fun and sun of Florida for 1 week! This will be the first time Greg and I have actually taken a vacation together in the 10 years we have been together. And, the lucky little princess (Dakota, our 7-month old chocolate lab) will be coming with us. Ironically my aunt will be having a 60th birthday party and she lives in Florida!! So, we will be spending a week at my cousin's house and spending the Thanksgiving holidays with my family.

For those that do not know - Thanksgiving is a very difficult holiday for me. In November 2002, Greg came down with pneumonia a few days before Thanksgiving and it was Thanksgiving Day itself that he was put on a ventilator. He was in the hospital originally for just IV treatment, which turned into 9 weeks in 2 different hospitals and 8 months total with a trach - on a ventilator. Needless to say, it was a Thanksgiving that I was greatly thankful for Greg being alive but wanted to forget the holiday all together because of how painful it was to watch his body fill with 23 lbs of fluid and fight to take a breath - even with the machine to help. His kidneys started to fade shortly after and he had dialysis a few times every day just to get the fluid out of his body.

With that said, my mind seems to wander on Thanksgiving to that time and the fight we had to go through. Yes, we came out of that fight better people than we went in but it is still a difficult time for me. Of course, Greg was sleeping most of the time so it was less traumatic for him. That is why we are both happy for the chance to actually go on vacation and celebrate this day. Maybe this will allow me to put closer to that incident - renewing the date with my family, a huge 7-course Italian style Thanksgiving, and celebrating rather than reliving.

Dealing with a terminal illness in one's family and being the primary caregiver to that person is not an easy task. It takes from you mentally, physically, and spiritually - and, if you are not careful, sometimes you lose parts of yourself that you can never get back. People have praised me for standing by my husband - but to me there was no choice. You see, love overcomes fear when times become desperate. Since we always took Greg's health into the circumstances of our life (when making choices), we had already discussed the terminal stages and what his wishes would be - it was through those conversations that I was able to truly speak on his behalf - even when he could not speak. I did not have to second guess myself - I just always let the love in my heart speak rather than any emotions or human responses. That love won the fight... and it is for that reason that we will be celebrating Thanksgiving this year with sunshine, warmth, family, and a huge food fest!

Lo Siento

"Lo Siento" means "I am sorry" in Spanish - for those that have not had the pleasure of taking this language in high school. (smile) I am apologizing for not having posted a blog yesterday. To make a long story short - I was very sick. I am a bit better now but still not feeling very well. No, it is not the drastic changes in temperature that we are going through here in Wisconsin but a medical condition that was handed down to me through genetics. I will not bore you with the details but will say that I will be fine. (wink)

As for life - life is life. There is no definition more accurate than that. There is work, family, chores, social events, and then personal space. My work is fine, family still very much insane but fine, chores always exist... but the social events and personal space are lacking. Quite honestly, I have a good number of friends and they are a global entity - the problem is that there are only a handful in our neck of the woods and those friends that Greg had growing up have mostly deserted him because of his disease (he couldn't "party" like them after a while). Are we social outcasts? No - but, the world of diseases does make you "different" then other people and those other people do not understand the complexities of the world of illnesses. We can do almost everything that other people can do but have limits due to medication and situations (we no longer frequent smoky bars to play pool). Our friends do not understand why we cannot attend parties because someone there has a bad cold - they do not understand that Greg cannot have cheesecake between 7pm-9pm because a transplant drug he takes at 8pm cannot be taken around the time he has anything with calcium in it.

Does this mean that we have been outcast into our own little world? No. It just means that friendships and personal space is tested on a frequent basis. It is those friends that truly understand the perils of the illnesses that are your true friends. The ones that come to you when you cannot come to them - the ones that quiz all invitees of a party if they have a cold or not before you show up - those are the true gems.

Alas, I would like to say that my global friends do understand this life but most have never been around the illnesses long enough demonstrate this understanding. For a select few though - we know they are friends for life. Out of Greg's 3 closest childhood friends, only one has withstood the test of time and illness. And, of course, there is the handful of "adult" friends we have that have shown their dedication to our friendship more than once. These are the people that truly matter in life - the ones that even if they do not understand the complexity that is our life - stand by us through acceptance of our lifestyle. These are the people that deserve our love - not those that place conditional terms on friendship.

Updates

Greg got a call from the transplant hospital today - in a few short words, they squashed his dream of getting off the inhaled medications any time soon. (sigh) It seems that they did grow a small amount of mild pseudomonas from his lung cultures last week. This means that the nasty buggers made their way from his nasal cavity down into his healthy lungs. What does this mean for him? Well, first, he is still considered "healthy" and can is not having any type of rejection episode - so no need to fret over that. Second, he will now be on inhaled Colistimethate (Colisten) for the next few months and take Azithromycin for the next few months as well.

I am not sure what other medication modifications need to be made because Greg was only able to speak to me for a few minutes between getting changed out of his work clothes and heading out to a Brewers baseball game with his friend. Needless to say, it is a small blow but a blow nonetheless. I was praying that he would finally be free of the inhaled medications and actually be able to live more of a normal life - more of the life he deserves with everything he has been through. I have to admit that I was looking forward to getting one of our bedrooms back as well - the room that is formally known as the "medicine room" where he does all of his inhaled medications. I can't complain though because this is still 1000 times better than where he was less than a year ago. I still remember it - he lost his closest uncle to lung (asbestos) cancer last September and got his miracle lung transplant in November. It was so hard to have someone close to him die of a lung disease when he himself was at the end stages. When his older sister, Diana, passed away at 16 years old, Greg was still a healthy 14-year old. When his uncle passed, he had already gotten a number of dry run calls on his transplant, was on 4L of O2 24/7 and couldn’t do much of anything. His whole body was turning bluer every day - but we never lost hope and kept our faith strong.

And here we are today. Greg has made it through the good and the bad. It is ironic because many people think they are superhuman after a double lung transplant and think their health problems are a thing of the past. But, Greg and I knew better - as Greg always said - you are trading one disease for another. Our roller coaster ride illustrates that. One day the world is your oyster and the next day you are reminded of how fragile your body is. You are immune-suppressed and anything can happen if you don’t pay attention. Live for the day but remember to prepare for tomorrow - even if you are not promised tomorrow. Take care of yourself and remember that God is in control - Always.

Headache

Have you ever had one of those headaches that isn’t really that bad but isn’t gone either? It kind of lingers just on the edge of your brain - sometimes over your eye, sometimes in your necks - letting you know it is there when you start to believe that it may have actually gone away. Yes, I have one of those headaches right now and I can't complain about it. No, it isn’t that Greg gets upset when I complain - I get upset.

I have been witness to the end stages of life and watching my husband fight for every breath. I have had to put a trach tube in his throat, clean the inner parts every night bathe him, change the vent filters and humidifier sterile water bags. I have had to go where I wish no one would ever have to go and yet, through this all - we survived. Greg held strong and did not complain. Okay, he complained once - at 11:30pm when the sleep study people were placing wires all over his head and body and he just wanted to sleep. Nevertheless, he still went through it and the next day we were told by the doctors that Mr. Ventilator can be kicked to the curb. Was it all worth it? Heck ya! Would we do it all over again? Yes. Would we want to? Not a chance in Dante's Inferno!

So, you see, I cannot complain about my headache. It isn’t that it will make me less than or something - it is just that my husband has battled for his life and I have battled alongside him. If I can do all of that (and more), then what is a headache? Nothing that I can't handle... if my husband could have 3/4 of the inside of his chest cavity burned to stop it from weeping during his transplant surgery and suffer with 3rd degree burns for months inside - where he cannot put anything to soothe them - then I can handle a little headache. But like my husband, I too will take pain medications because even though we aren't going to complain about such things - why make our pain worse while we heal? The moral of the story - you can accomplish more than you think - you are stronger than you think - and you should never give up. But recognize when you need a little help - a shoulder to cry on - a hug - or even a heavy dose of Advil. There is no shame in asking for help when you need it. Only shame in not recognizing when you need it. :)

Nothing but rain

After a very long dry spell, it has finally rained here in Milwaukee. Ironically, it hasn’t stopped all day and we can't remember when the last time we spent the entire day indoors was. It is strange though because the grass even looks like it grew a foot in one day. Greg keeps staring at it, shakes his head, and sighs - he will have to cut it 3 times, at 3 different heights in order to make sure he doesn’t clog the lawnmower.

I, on the other hand, love the rain. It makes everything fresh and new. Even if the day has gone badly, I visualize the rain washing away all of the negative things and leaving a fresh palette from which to draw. Hmm - drawing... yes, it has been a long time since I have picked up a sketch pad and drew to my heart's content. Didn’t you ever know I was an artist? It seems the truth has leaked out... I was even in art shows when I was in grammar school and all the way through college. My father always told me how I could never make a real living doing what I loved - art - and I sadly listened to him. And yes, I am a sort of supernatural creature. I have precise logic built into my brain and yet I am highly creative. Alas, I use both sides of my brain very well - I am ambidextrous (left and right handed) and have a number of other abilities that other people don’t... but I digress - my father pushed me away from art by not praising my ability. You see, in my family, things are always done based on the approval rating of the elders in the family. These elders praised my ability when I was very young and then all of a sudden stopped one day. Because of that, I stopped...

Many people pray for their childhood back... I pray for my talent back. For someone to remove the road block my family put up. Sure, I can be creative but it is only for a purpose - for other people or because of a project due. On my own though, the road block remains. Over 900 miles separates me and my biological family and yet their imprint on my artistic ability is as strong as ever. 31 years old and I still cannot break down the wall that keeps my passion from me. Maybe, just maybe, the rain will wash this wall away... maybe it will show me my blank palette once again and place a paintbrush in my hand...

Rambling?

A friend of mine said last night how interesting it is to see me start off the blog on one topic and end on an entirely different topic, while all the while there is always a single thread that links that beginning and end topics. At first I was a little confused but then realized that this is nothing new to me, you see, my family taught me how to do this.

My family, being original Brooklynites, has developed the gift of "tawking" (talking) to people. Innocently enough, a conversation will begin and soon, the person listening can't remember what the original topic was. Alas, the speaker, my family member, will then link the beginning topic and end topic together in a... how do you say it... with a type of "thesis" statement that ties everything together. Does this mean that we cannot give clear and straight forward answers to questions? No. Actually we can often give a one word answer to a question but choose not to. Why? Not out of being whimsical or anything - just our normal behavior. We are fully equipped giving a direct answer and take into account the person we are speaking with and the situation prior to deciding on whether or not to give that answer. For example, if I had an irate manager asking me for a specific time a project would be done, I would give that manager the specifics that they requested. However, if my manager asked if I thought the project was going well, I would give a more detailed answer should I be unhappy with how the project is going. It is not something we really think about but rather some innate genetic coding that gives us a "gut feeling" that we rely on.

Everyone has that gut feeling - it is just that ours speaks loudly at times. In the blogging world, I do not utilize this "family gift" just because I have it but rather to add insight into my world. Ironically enough, my world was filled with many negative aspects and people that molded me into the person I have become. Some of the insight that I convey helps people to better understand where I am coming from on certain things and sometimes this "clarity" shows a consistency with the reader's own life. Yes, my views, my past, my thoughts allow others to know they are not alone in this world. Yes, the world is messed up and yes, there are many people that are messed up. But there are many other people that are going through the same thing you are at this very minute - sometimes their lives are worse. It is this "gift" of topic hopping that gives light to people.

So, in ending this post, I told my friend about my ability to topic hop and somehow we got onto a conversation about women verses men. Funny enough - he was the one that was guilty of that topic hop, not me. :)

Fall Appeared

It seems that the fall season in Wisconsin decided to make a grand entrance yesterday. It is now only in the low 60's and not even a week ago, it was near 90. I don’t mind temperature changes but you have got to be joking! 90-60-70-50-80-70... Pick a temperature range and stay in it! (laugh) I just pray this is not a sign of how bad of a Wisconsin winter we will be having. (sigh) Is it time for the snow blower already?? (laugh) Heck, I am too cold to even shave! (Did I really just announce that to the world? *big laugh*) At least the winter cold kills off our allergens but, alas, flu season is right around the corner...

In the world of transplants, you can never be too careful about protecting yourself from bugs. Greg is on heavy immune system suppressants that a cold can make life extreme difficult and could potentially kill him. That does not mean that transplant people need to live in a bubble. Granted, Greg in a bubble could make for interesting fantasies but it does not do well for one's quality of life. (smile) In order to prepare, we both get the flu shot as soon as it comes out and take time to wash our hands frequently. This behavior grows over time - you see, Greg has had 4 upper respiratory infections and one major systemic infection in the first year of being post-transplant. Why? Because he couldn’t keep his hands away from his face!! I have told him a million times to keep them away but he does not listen. I am actually starting to believe that a husband goes out of his way to do the opposite of what his wife says if she says it more than 1 time. (laugh) I am getting to the point of tying his hands behind his back. Again, this can lead to an interesting fantasy but he cannot live like this. (innocent smile)

Does this all mean that there is no life after transplant because you have to be thinking of colds and germs every minute? No! It means be cautious to both transplant patients and their family members. Note: This DOES NOT mean that a family member who does not live with the patient has the right to jump in front of everyone else for a flu shot when there is a shortage. Alas, one member of Greg's family did this last year and even though I am normally very reserved around his family - I let this person have a few choice words because we hardly ever saw this person and this person used Greg as an excuse to get the shot. You know I was peeved! But, for a majority of people - they have been respectful of others and waited - and others have lived because of this respect. Ultimately, we should take care of one another by taking care of ourselves first. (smile)

Long Day

On a gloomy day in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a tired woman sits down to her computer in order to write her daily blog entry. Her hands are tired from all of the work that she had already done this day and her eyes keep bouncing back and forth between the screen and the dark grey sky outside. Thoughts waver between philosophical thoughts and trying to decide what to make for dinner. It is as though she is stuck between the real world and that of cyberspace...

Actually it has just been a long and boring day so I thought an opening to a short story would sound better. (smile) Unfortunately, today has been quite a boring day of work, chores, and projects. My philosophical self is mentally asking for assistance from the non-logical self in order to write this blog - hence, the artistic opening. (smile) What shall I say today? There is so much to say and yet there is not... the weather is a boring topic, my creation of a cyber store to sell my puppy's pictures, is not something that you came here to read about. Now that I think about it, why did you come here? It is not that I mind all of the hits to my blog - not at all - just wondering what brings you back to my little world. It is my adventures in the medical field that keeps you on the edge of your seat? (laugh) Or maybe it is the frustration with the medical field that brings you back. A friend of mine wrote to say that it is the philosophical writing that keeps him returning - figures that is what a person with a master's in philosophy would say! (laugh)

Actually, I do have some insight to share. Yesterday, about this time, Greg emailed me and told me to get gas right away. It seems that Rita has everyone nervous about gas prices. Maybe it is just me but I don’t understand it - I mean - why do so many people care about the price of gas? It is just money! Don’t get me wrong, I am far from what society would deem "rich" but to me, wouldn’t it be the lives that are at steak with Rita? Wouldn’t life be worth more than the price of gas? This is not to put my husband down - he was looking out for our best interest. It is my observation of society and the order of their priority list.

I have given until I cannot give anymore. I give my donate my hair to Locks of Love whenever it is long enough, I donate blood often (because blood donate saved Greg's life), I am a team leader for the CF Foundation Walk, we actually give a certain percentage of our pre-tax income to charities, we donate food twice a year to food harvest, we donate to the Salvation Army, etc. This is not me being modest about my life but after all I try and give and how much my life has changed to support my husband through his "terminal" illness and transplant... I have respect for the lives of others. Unfortunately, it seems that the world is lacking in compassion. Sure, we have it here or there but most only give what is convenient to them... not what is in their hearts to give. Giving means doing without and unfortunately most do not understand this until they have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes or suffer a traumatic experience. It is sad that someone must suffer so that they must learn - and with Rita heading towards land, I pray that no lives are lost and that what is taken away can be rebuilt quickly - that suffering need not be in order for them to understand what is truly a priority in this world - life!

News

We have some great news! Greg received a call from the transplant hospital yesterday and he is a big fat "0"! What does that mean? His biopsy results came back and he has absolutely no rejection in his transplanted lungs at all. News just couldn’t get any better than that. Well, maybe it could. Within the next couple of days, we should find out if the cultures from Monday grow any nasty bugs out and if they don’t, Greg can stop all inhaled or nebulized medications. You have to realize that Greg has been on inhaled/nebulized medications since he was in high school and now he is 31 years old. That is a long time to make sure you medications are kept cold and carry an air compressor, nebulizers, etc. with you whenever you travel. If all is well, Greg won’t have any inhaled medications when we travel to Florida in November. Not only will this be our first vacation together (ever!), but a first for him traveling without a bunch of medical equipment - just pills and a couple of small items. Can you see me dancing over here? (laugh)

For a transplant patient and his/her family, things such as this are small miracles. They say that you never know what you have until it is gone. That goes the same with your health. People complain about their daily chores/work/life when they are healthy. Unfortunately, it takes a traumatic incident to make them realize how good they truly had it before the incident. Often, they are never able to go back to the way it was before - for them, it is too late. That is why it is so important to cherish even the smallest of things - such as being a big fat "0" or getting rid of inhaled medications. For us, the quality of life is determined by the smallest of miracles - it is not what kind of car we drive, how big our house is, or how much money we make. Quite honestly, some people look down on us because we do not have any children and have been married for 6 years now - or - because our cars are a 1999 and 2000 Saturn. Children and cars are how these other individuals gauge their own quality of life - not us. First, it is rude to bug people about having children - how do you know they CAN have children or they have not tried to have children. Second, if the car gets us from point A to point B, what is wrong with it?

It is our philosophy not to impose your own ideals on someone else. Every person is different and gauges their own success or failures differently than you. For example, my parents never made it out of high school and yet, here I am with my MBA. Does that mean that I am better than my parents? No! Does that mean I should push them to finish school and get degrees? No! They are their own people and it is not fair to judge or rate them according to my lifestyle. Love and respect are unconditional and should remain so. We were not put on this Earth to judge other people - we were put here to understand the differences that make us human and to appreciate and respect each other for being an individual. Plain and simple. :)

Long Day - Cold Hospital

Yesterday was a very long day. We woke at 4:30am to get to the hospital in Madison by 7:00am and didn’t leave the hospital until 3:30pm. The two-hour trip there was interesting due to a severe thunderstorm that we drove through and on the way back, we were too tired to even stop at the half-way mark for our "normal" Culver's hamburgers. Needless to say, there was no energy left in even the tips of my fingers to type a blog entry.

Now, on to the news. Greg is doing wonderfully and all tests came back with great results. All the tests and procedures went smoothly - until the last appointment of the day - transplant clinic. You see Greg's tests/procedures ended around 11:30am and even though they had us down for a 4pm clinic appointment (which we protested), we were told by our transplant coordinator just to come in after the last test/procedure and they would squeeze us in right away. Clinic opened at 1pm and we were there with bells on at 12:50pm (after grabbing some quick hospital food). When did we finally get seen???? 3pm!!!

Yes, my friends. We waited over 2 hours to be seen and for what?? Nothing! They could have talked to us over the phone because they didn’t even do an exam in the clinic - everything had been done earlier that day! We were so exhausted and Greg's hepa filter mask - which he HAD to wear the entire time in the waiting area - was now embedded deeply into my husband's red face. The band marks did not remove their marks until almost 1 hour after he was finally able to take the mask off.

Am I angry? No. Anger had left me quite some time ago. Yesterday we were both filled with frustration. I would have had no problem if they would have said that the appointment had to stay at 4pm - we would have just rescheduled that part of his appointment. It was the sitting and waiting - upon false pretenses that bothers me. Call me anal retentive but if someone says they are going to do something; I expect them to come through on their end. I would rather someone not promise and surprise us rather than over promise and not deliver.

Can I get an "amen, sister"?? (smile)

Day of rest

Sunday is supposed to be known as the "day of rest" or holy day (depending on what religion you are). Then why am I not resting? *laugh*

Yesterday, Greg and I ran around cleaning to get ready for the fall. This includes cleaning out the garage, putting things in dead storage, painting the outside trim, fixing the lawn, and so on. In order to get some things done, we have to bribe Dakota with her kiddie pool. Of course, it is not easy to get things done with a wet dog keeps coming over, wanting to play, while you are painting. *laugh* Let's just say it was an amusing and tiring day.

So, today is the "normal" chores and so the lack of rest. Poor Greg even had to go into the office today because we are off tomorrow to the transplant hospital for his regular check-up. You know, when you wake up at the crack of dawn to get to the hospital before the normal staff show up. Where you bounce all over the hospital, from one side to the other, to get labs, tests, bronchoscopy, medical consultation, etc. I am sure that you have no idea the enthusiasm we have for taking a day of vacation to spend it all day at a hospital. But, alas, this is the price one must pay for the gift of life and new lungs. It is for that reason that we don’t sulk about it but remember how going to the hospital one day every few months is nothing compared to all the medical equipment and lack of quality of life Greg had prior to the transplant. Lucky for me, they have the best chai tea out there - at least that is something to spur me on. *smile*

Other than that, there are no philosophical thoughts to be had today. (sorry to bore you *smile*) Trust me though; I have a ton of things to think about at the moment, and a ton to ponder through the blog. It just seems that my brain has decided that just because my body decides not to rest today doesn’t mean the brain has to give up a day of rest. It is as clear of its intent not to work today as if it were holding up a little "strike" sign and chanting a little song.

Another day - Another design

Yes, I have redesigned my website again and I am sure that I will tinker with it a little more this weekend. Why? What drives me to spend endless hours in front of this computer to work on my website? Is it obsessive-compulsive disorder? Do I not have a life? (laugh) Alas, I am not insane - it is my hobby. Just like people that spend time working on old cars or perfecting their golf swing, my hobby is to create digital art.

I know some people may laugh and in all honesty, I have no problem with that. You see, my husband will come in and out of our office throughout a day and remind me to eat when I am working on a website. He laughs quite often and I have to say that if he did not, I would think there were something wrong with him. (evil laugh) I, too, cannot believe how easily I can get caught up in computer graphics or web design. Me? The woman who built her first computer at the age of 7, but did not own a retail computer until 25? Yes, I did build my first computer because of a dominant gene I have - you see, my mother was a computer technician for Wang and Digital when I was younger. My love of art and my ease of working on computers does stem from her - although, ironically, she is best at computer hardware and me at computer software. For what one lacks, the other makes up for. (laugh)

Now, that does not mean that I am admitting to be anything like my mother. (looking shocked) I am a human being and for a daughter to state she is ANYTHING like her mother would be taboo... and we all know how I wouldn’t want to go against the main stream and make any ripples. (big laugh) I mean... well... any other daughters out there know exactly what I mean. :)

Cold and Rainy

This state has to be the most backwards of any state in America. Wisconsin just had high temperatures reaching near 92 a couple of days ago and now it is rainy and cold. Even the geese are starting to fly south. What does that tell you? It tells you that even those creatures that do not have the comforts of houses or weather men (who are normally wrong anyway) don’t understand what is going on. (laugh)

The gloomy day was turned bright because I was able to see something I have been waiting to see for a while. Okay, before I go on, I am a 31-year old married woman (even though I look about 16) and I am a big fan of Harry Potter. Yes, boys and girls, I am an avid reader (and re-reader) of those books lining the young adult and child sections of every bookstore. With that now said, I will admit that the debut of the 4th trailer for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was high on my to-do list and boy am I happy. It is not only filled with thrills and excitement but also extremely funny.

So, what is a 31-year old married woman doing with a 17-year old boy (ahem - Harry Potter)? Although there are some that believe it teaches dark magic and is against God, it is quite the opposite. The books teach about friendship, loyalty, how good will win over evil, patience, being brave in the most difficult of situations, and that even a person that seems to be as evil as they come does often have some good in them. Friendship and love overcome monetary, ethnic, religious, and national boundaries. No matter what stands in their way, good will overcome evil and no matter how difficult situations may be, we always have a choice.

This speaks true to every hardship that we face, here, in the world that exists outside of JK Rowling's books. Throughout my difficult upbringing, my husband's "terminal" illness, his double-lung transplant, moving 900+ miles away from all my family and friends - I always had choices and I still do today. It is through the hardships that we come out stronger and better people as well. Yes, my friends, good will triumph over evil - as long as you never give up hope or faith in the power of good and the power you have within yourself. Sometimes, it takes a literary work such as Harry Potter to remind us of that truth that we so often forget in a world of money, power, technology, workaholics, and regrets.

Life goes on

So, how does one react when they find out someone they dated is now gay, getting married, or having a child? Some say that life goes on but there is always a part of you that gets a strange sensation in the pit of your stomach. You know the one that I mean - where life is going on around you and you may be enjoying it to its fullest but there is this feeling that something just isn’t right. *laugh* Yes, I have had all three happen to me. First was my family bumping into a former, long-term, boyfriend, who announced he was going to be a daddy. Then a guy I used to date when I was quite young (short-term but friends for years after) tells me over IM that he is now involved with a gentleman. Last was, or should I say "is, the wedding of a former (long-term) boyfriend. It is strange because I think I can honestly say that this is getting easier for me. *laugh*

Okay, hear me out. The "daddy" was a shock because he didn’t want children until he was almost 40 and, here he was, only in his early 20's, not married and having a child. I had no idea how to handle this because, quite honestly, I thought I was going to marry this one. Luckily, for both of us, we did not get married. The one that is now in a gay relationship shocked me because I grew up with him and he was the last person I would ever expect that from. Alas, I did give him my well-wishes and remain great friends with him. Lastly, the wedding coming up this weekend. One would think I would be upset since this is a guy that I dated for 2.5 years - alas, I don’t feel one ounce of jealousy and, funny enough, he is upset that I have no jealousy because he was jealous when I married my wonderful husband. *laugh* I think I can honestly say that I am over him - not a shred of jealousy.

So, what does this have to do with the price of tea in China? (Sorry, my dad's catch-phrase) It has to do with human relationships and growing up. It is easy to hold a grudge, to be jealous, or regret things that could have been. It is once you get past these stages and understand that it is not what happens around us that matters but how we react to it that matters. As they say, no one can make you feel a certain way without your approval - their lives still go on. It is up to you how you are going to take the situation and make it work for you. In my case above, I am reminded of the wonderful husband that I have, the number of children's lives that I have impacted in a positive manner, and how I do not have any regrets about those former boyfriends. Whether the relationship was bad or good, it does not matter - it still taught me more than I could ever learn in any book about human relationships and those relationships that make your heart sing should cause you to sing out loud.

Now, if you don’t mind, I have a date with my iPod... I feel like singing! :)

Day of Change

Well, I had just got the website up and running this morning and already have changed the design. They say that us Capricorn's are stubborn and a little anal retentive (detailed oriented) - it seems "they" were right. However, there is good news in this change - I am finally content with the initital design of the website and that means that I can start concentrating on other areas of the website that still need work. This, of course, is only the start of what is to come. You see, my wonderful husband, Greg, decided that I should get my own domain to feed the web design and development creative monster inside of me and endulge my hobby. (I think he just wants me to stop complaining about lack of webspace *wink*)

With that said, it is back to my "real" job I go and a little more design later tonight. Not to worry, my blog entries will get more interesting when time goes on. Heck, didn't you ever start writing a school assignment slowly and then there is a moment when it all clicks and your writing hand can't keep up with your brain?? Okay - maybe some don't understand this but for a writing diva like myself, this is only the beginning! *smile*

Welcome

Welcome to the Angel Cove blog.

Once upon a time, there was an old blog and it was full of great information. Unfortunately, that blog decided to erase itself from being and therefore this new blog was born to take its place. It will take a great deal of writing to come close to the size of the old blog - but it is well worth the effort.

For now, website design calls and alas the blog must be put aside - if for only a moment. :)