A Familiar Sound

This morning I awoke to an all-too-familiar sound in my house - my husband was coughing. No, I don't mean a simple clearing the throat kind of coughing but a I have to get this out kind of cough. Once in a while, this kind of cough will come on and usually that means that a visit to the transplant hospital is coming up. He already has an appointment scheduled in January but not for a bronchoscopy, rather just a regular appointment.

My stomach is uneasy with this morning cough. My mind wanders back to a time - before he received his new lungs - when he would spend a good 20 minutes or more coughing. The coughs would be so violent that he would end up getting sick to this stomach. Luckily, today's cough was followed by a series of sneezes - which is quite normal for him now. (smile) But I still can't shake the feeling that something may be going on in there - something we can't see now. With the immune system of a sponge, anything can happen in a heartbeat. I just wish there was some way of knowing what is going on in there...

Decisions

I know that I have already posted today's blog entry but...

A thought occurred to me today while online... the Angel Cove Blog was created with the sole purpose of conveying information about our day-to-day battle against Cystic Fibrosis and the miracle of Organ Donation and Transplantation. With that in mind, I have decided to create a couple of blogs in order to put the whirlwind of thoughts down in "writing". From this point forward, this blog will serve the purpose that it was intended to and the other blogs will have specific topics as well. To the left of this post is a new area with links to not only our two online stores but to an additional blog (more will come later). Please feel free to visit the other blog(s) but please note that each blog will be significantly different... so buying beware. :)

19-Degree-Wind-Chill

I have to laugh about responsibility. If it were not for this word, I would not have just gotten back from taking a walk in a 19-degree wind chill and snow. (laugh) It is surprising what we are capable of doing when we put our minds to it. Would I have bundled up to go out in this cold had it not been for the need of our puppy to get rid of some Labrador energy? No way! I am not stupid! But, for some reason, she just had to see what was going on outside and so, I bundled up as tight as I could, went for a walk with her, and only after we entered the house and I disrobed, did she decide she had to go to the bathroom. (laugh) Who needs a child when you have a Labrador retriever puppy! (smile)

This word "responsibility" is also why Greg and I went to the fitness club last night and boy am I happy we did. Even though it was cold and I had yet again pulled a muscle in my neck, we drove out to the fitness club for an hour of sweating. I have learned that sweat is good - sweat is what makes for awesome lung function numbers! How do I know this? When Greg did his nightly lung function tests, he hit a new all-time high - 3.20 FEV1! That is a whopping 78% lung function and he is a year post-transplant! Ironically, the doctors told him he would hit his highest 6 months post-transplant and most likely would never go higher in his life. Boy were they wrong! He has continued to increase his lung function even after his 6-month anniversary and now that we work out at a fitness club, his numbers are climbing higher still! Just imagine how good his lung functions will be after he gets his personal fitness plan today from the trainer! Let's pray that "new-all-time-high" posts become a normal part of this blog. (smile)

On my knees

Did you ever think about how big things seemed when you were a child? Because you were so small, the world seemed so vast, and so full of possibilities. As you got older, the world became smaller and you start to think that maybe all the possibilities you once thought existed, truly don’t exist. Ironically, it has nothing to do with the world but our perception of the world that changes.

Not only have we gotten on our knees and thanked the good Lord for the miracles and grace in our lives, but we have also done so to understand our perception of the world. To get down on your knees is twofold - one, you need to physically get down on your knees and decrease the size of your body - second, you need to humble yourself and realize that the power you have is given to you through God. Yes, my friends, the mind moves the body and if you change your perspective and understand that the world of possibilities still exists - the same world that you knew when you were a child - you will realize that you can do anything if you put your mind to it. Yes, there are circumstances in our lives that we feel have us under control but we are truly in control - think about it - if you choose not to make a choice about something - because of an external force you feel is against you - you are still making a choice. (smile) So, why not choose what is either best for you or that you want out of this world? Life is short and we are not promised tomorrow - why not make the choice to live today - in the world of possibilities!

Sticking To It

Just because it is easier to not do something than to do something that does not mean it is right. If you make a decision to do something, don’t become lazy, but stick to your promises. These promises may be to someone you love, a colleague, or even yourself. The harder road is often the road less traveled and the one that is most fruitful.

Remember to live through example. If you want someone to get fit, get fit yourself. If you want someone to stop smoking, don’t smoke. If you want someone to love and respect you no matter what, love and respect that person no matter what they do to you. Yes, it is a path that does not already have footprints in which you can follow but now is the time for you to set footprints for others to follow down this path. Why lead them through the mud instead of through the meadows? *smile*

Just something to ponder as we make our Thanksgiving prayers tomorrow. May God bless you and keep you and yours safe during this holiday.

Lost

Have you ever felt like things around just didn't make sense and you get this feeling of being lost? I know it may sound funny and maybe it is just something that people with certain backgrounds only feel but it is as though you try to fit into a world that keeps going on around you and yet you just can't seem to enter that world.

Okay, what are am I talking about now? (laugh) Well, I am talking about trying to fit into a group, setting, or atmosphere because you think you should but it just isn’t a fit for you. You try as hard as you can to fit into this area but the more you try, the more you feel foolish and know you just don’t belong. So, why do we do it? Why do we try to fit in just because we think it is right - why not find the right sized niche from which we will fit in and that eagerly awaits us out there? It is when you feel at peace with the world around you that you are in that niche - so why do people look to be part of something they are no comfortable with?

I admit, I too have fallen into this - believing that I was better off being like other people in certain niches and then I learned why I kept failing - because I wasn’t them. I would feel nervous around them and talk about random things until my throat was as dry as the desert sands. Then I would walk away from the conversation feeling stupid and recounting the off the wall things I had said. Why? To fill the gap in conversation and the gap in my life. The problem is that you cannot fill a hole in a wall with anything other than parts of what it already is. So trying to fill that gap with people and things that aren't me just won't ever work. People are just going to have to accept me the way I am and, in turn, I will be more open to those in which I do fit in. A confident person is one that can convey their power through silence and just in being.

"Down" Week

This is one of the few weeks in the year that I call a "down" week. It is a time where work is slow and people have their minds places other than the here and now. For this holiday week of Thanksgiving, kids have off school and people who are working (and not hunting) are getting ready for a feast beyond feasts on Thursday.

My mind is still racing and I have things to do. No Thanksgiving at our house but this is a week for me to start those simple little changes I have been talking about. You see, it is difficult for me to make changes because for so long my life was devoted to ensuring that my husband and his health (including insurance) were protected. It is difficult for me to let that part of my "responsibility" go - for Greg is now able to take care of himself. It is just that when you live one way for so long, you forget that there is any other way to live. It is time for me to remember that. While speaking with Greg last night, I admitted that although I am content in my marriage, I am not content in my life. His job happens to encompass his passion of architecture, while mine does not. Again, I do not want to leave my current company and plan to stay there for some more months (if I cannot transfer to another department) but now is the time for me to set the wheels of change into motion and learn how to enjoy life once again. I am truly thankful for what my past has taught me and now it is time to take what I have learned and move on.

Fluttering Mind

It is not often that my mind is hit with a whirlwind of thought but when it does, better watch out! Why today, out of all days - when nothing particular is going on? Well, my friends, it has to do with the new Harry Potter movie.

Yeah, I know some of you don’t understand my particular fascination with a series of children's books that were turned into movies but I assure it that it has nothing to do with the dark arts. Quite frankly, it has to do with living beyond the norm, finding a true purpose in life, believing in you, and understand the strength and value in friendship. I will admit that as a child, fantasy books were my escape from the hardships that I was enduring but, today, they serve a greater purpose and give me permission to let my mind soar!

You have to realize that growing up; I was always told what I could not do rather than given positive reinforcement. My father would always get on my case about how great my grades would be in school if I just applied myself to all subjects as I did for my art and pottery classes. No, I was never short on imagination and the collection that soon filled our homes - ceramic art and colorful artistic representations of life - stood as a testimony to that passion that grew within me. Yes, my friends, I was even so talented as to have been part of a few art exhibits outside of school. Alas, something I have never really spoken about because of the shame that I had been taught to have for my passionate and artistic side.

So, with that being said, this whirlwind of thoughts has created a single drive to move forward in having a job that I love and loving my job. It is for that reason I have decided to take my company up on some additional training courses provided and dive into the world of graphic design and web development more fully. Right now I am only getting my big toe wet - but I plan to push all fears aside and head for that high board for an exhilarating plunge into the artistic realm of technology.

Loss

*sigh* The loss of a friend is often a difficult thing to handle but it is even more difficult when the life of the friend is so closely related to that of your husband.

I met James around 10 years ago, online, through a Cystic Fibrosis mailing list. That was back when Greg and I first started to date and I knew nothing about CF. James provided a great deal of information and through the years he has offered both prayers and encouragement. Just this morning, I received an email from his brother that Jesus has called James home. *sigh* I have spent some time crying both for the loss of a friend and the joy of him receiving the chance to breathe free. Yes, my friends, James had Cystic Fibrosis as well and had just received a double lung transplant a few weeks ago. Unlike Greg, James had a difficult time after the transplant and never left the hospital after his transplant. *sigh* He battled greatly and like Greg, he was at the end stage of his disease when he received his miracle. Yes, I still consider it a miracle because he was released from those diseased lungs and given the opportunity to breathe deeply, without pain or discomfort. Unfortunately, he had to leave this Earth to do so...

Thank you James - for being a friend when others needed you and for never giving up your faith - no matter how difficult things became.

Strength and Responsibility

"A man may fall many times but he won't be a failure until he says someone pushed him."
--Elmer G. Letterman

It is easy to blame someone for what you life has become. Sure, I can play the victim too but after everything that we have been through, I have found that it is not what happens to us in life but how we react to what happens.

As the snow falls here in Milwaukee, I look out my windows and witness the bare and dead looking trees that were only full of color just a week ago. It is then that I realize how much I dislike the winter and the bitter cold that drills into my bones. No, this is not where I had pictured myself to be at this stage of my life. Having met Greg, I soon came to realize that my leaving New York would take me no other place than Wisconsin - for that was where his doctors and family were. For a few years after I had moved here, I blamed his disease for making me move here - 900 miles away from my family and friends. Alone and without those people I had loved all my life. I would continue to bring up my pain at living here and then Greg became very ill and my perspective changed.

Yes, I had moved out here so that the doctor's that knew him best would not be far away. When he became sick, it was then I realized that I was not a victim in this but I was incredibly smart for making the move. His doctor, who had treated him since he was 16 years old, was the one that saved his life back in 2002 - the key doctor that I had resolved not to make him leave.

So, for years, I played the victim of my circumstances and led a half-lived life. Every once in a while my mind travels back to that victim mentality - especially when it is cold and the trees are bare. Then I picture the smile I adore - that of my husband's - and realize that life is what you make of it. Sure, things may look bad now or people/circumstances may put you in situations you may not want to be in - but if you realize that it is just a step on the path of life and that it will make you stronger for what lay down this path - then you realize that you are not a victim but a strong human being - if, and only if, you choose to use those circumstances to your advantage or meet them with a smile rather than tears.

The gift of the present

Slight not what is near though aiming at what is far.
-- Euripides (480-406 BC) Greek Playwright

What is right in front of is usually the most important thing in the world. You cannot change the past nor can you truly control the future. As my cousin says: "Today is the present and should be treated as a gift." Unfortunately, some people do not understand nor appreciate what they have until they lose it. This loss may seem like nothing big at first - for their dreams of the future are even more grandiose! The problem is that if you disregard what you currently have, you may never have it again and lose the chance to enjoy it.

Some "gifts" are family, friends, stability, health, and society. We will often long for the days when prices were cheaper, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders. Alas, we cannot turn back time but we can enjoy the time we currently have.

I have to laugh because my father's motto was: "He who dies with the most toys wins" and yet my father does not have many of the gifts of today nor the toys of tomorrow. Greg and I have a world of possibilities in front of us but if you lose sight of what is important today, and get caught up in what society tells us what is important, and then we aim for what we currently don’t have and push aside the gifts we do. As I tell Greg - it does not matter if I am rich 10 years from now - for he is what is truly important and that monetary gain means nothing if I am a widow. It is for that reason that we make time to spend together and when making appointments or arrangements, we look to the other to see if it will take away from our time today with them. (smile) I am not promised tomorrow with my husband, so I will cherish today with him.

The Vampires

It is not my fault for not posting this weekend. *smile* You see, I was attacked by vampires on Saturday morning and needed to rest all weekend to recuperate. Not to worry though - I am not going to turn into a vampire for these are state licensed vampires and they just take your blood without giving anything back. *laugh* Yes, I am speaking about donating blood to those that need it and I am an avid blood donor. The only problem is that I am useless for 24 hours as it makes me very sick. Don’t ask me why - just does. But, it is well worth it and when they put a big tag on my pouch that says "Special Order" my spirits soar!

What is the "Special Order"? Well, it isn’t pancakes, toast, and a side of bacon - it is more like a someone at the local hospital needs my blood and needs it fast! Only 1 time out of all the times that I have given blood has my pouch NOT been marked for special order. Every other time though, it was heading straight over to the local children's hospital in order to save a child's life that same day! So, my little pouch moves to the front of the line to get tested so it could be rushed out the door and get its hero's badge! Unfortunately, this happens so often because people with my blood type "B+" don't like to donate blood... so the rest of us have to pull the slack for them! (Slackers!)

Why do I do this? Not for a medal or anything - not even for a seat next to God Himself (cause I already have my seat waiting and the view is good from every seat!) - it is because blood donations saved Greg's life and since he cannot give back, I give back for him. It is my way of giving back what was given to me - unconditional love. Someone out there did exactly what I did and it was because of them that my husband is alive. So, if I am out for the count once every 8 weeks, it is well worth it considering the life it saved!

1st Birthday

What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.

-Emerson

It gives me great pleasure to announce that today is my husband's, 1st birthday!! Yes, I said that right! *smile* It was 1 year ago today that Greg underwent a double lung transplant that saved his life. Today, he is working and no one can even tell how sick he once was. Heck, no one can even tell he had such a miracle surgery. It is truly amazing how miracles work and we are truly appreciative of our angels - the donor, the donor's family, and the staff at the transplant hospital. And, of course, we are grateful beyond words to God - for it is He who had a hand in all of this and has provided Greg with such an outstanding gift.

We ask at this time that you please keep the donor and donor's family in your thoughts and prayers. Without their sacrifice and unselfish gift, I would have probably been a widow at the tender age of 30. God Bless!

Ironic

"Life, it seems, is not without a sense of irony."
- Morphus (The Matrix)

Join a health club and work out for 3 days and what do you get? The answer: increased lung function. It doesn't matter if you are healthy or have a disease; usually aerobic exercise increases a person's lung function. This is a good thing, of course. Ironically enough, the same holds true for a certain lung transplant recipient - my husband.

Yes, boys and girls, he announced to me the other day that his lung function baseline has increased. I do not have the specifics at this time but any increase is wonderful news. Not only has it done wonders for his lung functions but it seems to be helping to maintain his blood sugar levels - that have been out of whack because of all the transplant medications that he has been on. And we thought it couldn’t get any better. I have to admit that I have brought up the idea of joining a gym for quite some time now and he disregarded by advice. Then one day he "announces" (as he often does) that we are joining a gym. With only 3 days under his belt, I can only imagine what he will be like after 3 months or even 3 years. The possibilities are endless!

Happy, Healthy Marriage

Our greatest battles are that with our own minds.

- Jameson Frank

There are a majority of people out there that get married for the wrong reasons. First, there are my parents. Although they both insist that they were in love when they got married, one glimpse at their wedding album tells of a different story. My mother, being quite pregnant with me at the time, has not one smile in any photograph. My father also has the same sullen and "trapped" look. My family keeps insisting that they would have gotten married even if she did not get pregnant because they were already engaged when I was conceived but I insist that my mother would have never walked down the aisle that day and would have left my father standing at the altar. Am I wrong? Ironically, my mother has verified my thought on this and my father, living in his own little world, still insists otherwise.

You could tell in these pictures that they would not last. It was about 3 years later that my mother left my father and me and it was since that point in my life that I never understood why people got married. That was, of course, until I married my husband. Okay, I have to admit that during the first year we spoke about divorce on and off because we just could not live together. Unfortunately, it took something like his health to decline rapidly that I realized what a truly happy and healthy marriage is.

Why am I bringing this up? (laugh) Over the last couple of days, I have been watching a daytime show that had newlyweds do tasks together in order to evaluate and save their marriages. The things these people did to each other - the way they spoke to each other - just made me sick. A couple of them we just negative in anything and everything they did. Then it dawned on me - the way to a healthy and happy relationship is not only finding the right person, falling in love, and getting married. It is also having the right mindset. In essence, if you have a negative outlook on the relationship, the relationship will turn negative. I will grant you that there are cases where there is abuse and in those cases, the person being abused has to love themselves enough to get out of it. But for those relationships that are not, by law, abusive - those are the relationships that could work if your mind is in the right place as well as your heart.

For Greg and me - we respect each other's individuality and although we do butt heads from time to time, we will accept our own faults and work with the other to resolve the problem immediately. We do not wait 2 weeks and we do not blame each other. We use the love and a positive mind set to continue our happy and healthy marriage. If only my parents would have kept an open mind to each other's feelings and respected each other - maybe then I would have had a happy and healthy childhood as well.

Where's my post?

To be alive, to be able to see, to walk,...it's all a miracle.
-- Arthur Rubinstein (1887-1982) Polish Pianist

I know, I know - there was no post early this morning per my normal routine. Things were a bit hectic around here with work so I could not take my morning break to post anything. With that said, I will move onto my actual post. :)

Yesterday I did not receive a call from the person that I was given a "head's up" about. After speaking with my husband about it and giving him a "head's up", he laughed and said that if the person which whom I was speaking about reads my blog, then this person would know exactly who they are. There were no subtleties contained in that blog and although some thought I was venting, I promise you that it was not a vent but an affirmation.

I try not to vent about such things as I have a deeper understanding of the true meaning and quality of life. If you are to vent, and keep anger against a person, then you are giving that person power. This is an alienation of what I was speaking about yesterday. I refuse to give up power so therefore I refuse to vent. The post, in and of itself, was more of an announcement and an expression of love for other people. I know - I see the confused look on your face at that statement. *smile* I guess it is easier to say that I was hoping to help others in knowing that they are not alone.

Too many people think that life is what they can get out of it - even if they hurt people in the process. Some people do not even realize that what they do hurts others. But, my friends, it is the power to get what you want out of life without falling victim to this game that truly matters. Therefore you need to be an "original" or "authentic" person. The word original means: "a first form from which varieties arise - an authentic work as opposed to an imitation or reproduction" (Will Smith - Lost & Found). If you know yourself and remain true to yourself, then nothing can hurt you. My previous post was my affirmation of who I truly am and that I am not willing to allow myself to be hurt. Granted, I will help other people but only those that respect me and my expertise. If, said person, were to truly respect me and my womanhood, then I would easily assist in any way, shape, or form that I could. Unfortunately, many people believe that they know what is best and if they truly do, then why seek out my advice in the first place?

People

Yesterday I had the realization that I don’t like some people much. Now, I know what you are thinking – normally I love people and that remains the truth. You can love people or respect them for their position in this world without liking them much. I don’t mean to globalize but I have come to the realization that there are a number of people out there that use other people and don’t care.

Where am I coming up with all of this? It is simple my friends. You see, I was used a great deal during my younger years by family and friends and, in turn, I had become a user as well. Unfortunately, I became such a user that I manipulated and hurt some people that I cared a great deal for. It was the only thing I knew. Today, however, I can see users a mile away and I have learned to walk the other way. I will grant you that it makes me feel proud when someone asks my advice on something because of my expertise but it are those that waste my time, picking my brain, and then disregard anything I say or try to negate the advice they had asked for. It is just plain hurtful!

Right now I have a few situations in which people are trying to use me, and I know, in turn, they will hurt me by putting my thoughts and skills down in the end. The only situation that is authentic is my helping a friend set up a website for her volunteer volleyball league. There is no need to worry about that situation for it is a truly authentic and respective friendship. But, last night I had gotten word of my brain being picked once again. The problem is that this other person does not believe in a woman’s ability to be able to do certain things such as be successful in IT or handle money (and various other "manly" areas). So why is this person now seeking my advice? It is because the person is lost and sees me as a last resort to tell them how to make money on the Internet. They want a clear and easy way (little effort) in which they can supplement their income. Well, I hate to bust people’s bubbles but it is not easy and starting any business – even ecommerce – takes work. This person does not have a business plan nor does this person even know what they want to sell online – they want me to give them all the answers. Normally I would try and help but this person berates me and interrogates my advice with a harsh tone, rolling eyes, and “huffy” stance.

Had it been my earlier years, I would stay and help – taking invisible slaps across the face. Today, however, is my day of power and I refuse to be a victim to this any longer. I am human, I have feelings and beliefs. And the fact that I am a successful woman in IT and have gotten my family through a terminal illness and lung transplant while switching jobs, buying a house, working full time, and going to graduate school full time is a testimony of my authentic power. No sir, I am afraid that you will have to find the assistance you seek through someone else. I am not volunteering to be your punching bag.

One Person

"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but
stillI can do something; I will not refuse to do the something I can do."
- Helen Keller(1880-1968) American Writer

Often people say that they are only one person and cannot make a difference in the world. So, instead, they sit idly on the sidelines and watch the game of life go on around them. If only for a minute they decided to live based upon the moment and take a chance, then they will see that one person can make a difference in the world.

I am that one person. Alone in the world as a child and teenager, I followed the pack and never believed I had any strength myself. Then I met Greg and things changed – I became an equal. That was the first time that I was introduced to a level playing field. Ironically enough, the beginning of our marriage was not that same level playing field and since I knew that it now existed, I was not going to give it up. Greg, on the other hand, was raised with the belief that the man runs the house (to a certain extent) and me, being raised by a man, knew better.

It was not until Greg’s illness started to get worse that the playing field leveled and abruptly changed on me. I was now in control. I had full responsibility over everything – even Greg. What happened? Life happened. It was during the times of his illness that I found strength in me that I never knew existed in another human being. It was then that I realized that even though I couldn’t do everything (and I did try!), I never refused to try and do something that was within my physical possibilities. During Greg’s recovery from his transplant, I used this new found knowledge of inner strength and drilled it into his head. My saying was: “I will do anything that you are not physically capable of doing but anything that you are physically capable of doing, you better get off your rear end and do!”

The playing field is level again but I have realized that not only did I (just one person) impact the life of one other human being but of thousands, if not millions. You see, my strength and my willingness to share my knowledge and experience has impacted other people in similar situations. My willingness to do something I can do; love another human being and be there through thick and thin; is a symbol of strength for others and the strength that I help them find is then transferred onto another human being and so on. How powerful is that?

With that said, I would like to take this moment to help someone who I have known for 10 years now. His name is James Binegar, he is in North Carolina, and just recently had a double lung transplant after battling Cystic Fibrosis. Unlike Greg, he is having quite a difficult time healing and that is why I am asking for prayers at this time. He has waited too long for this miracle and needs our help. We would appreciate it if you could please add him to your prayer list and keep him in your thoughts. If you would like to learn more about James, please feel free to visit his website here. Thank you and God bless!

Sharp as a tack

You would think that after exercising for an hour at a new health club, when you haven’t truly exercised in quite some time that your body would be sore the next morning. Ironically, my body is not sore and my mind is clearer than it has been in some time. It makes you wonder if the problems that people face and easily be rectified with providing some oxygen to one’s tired body through exercise. Then again, maybe this is not the case. (laugh) The reason I say that is because although Greg was not sore this morning from working out, his mind was still back in the warmth and comfort of our bed when he headed out to work this morning.

It is always difficult to get into a new routine but when the alternative is illness and disease, it is a necessary course of action. So, we have taken it upon ourselves to not let our bodies become the perfect home to colds and bugs. Instead, we will do what we need to in order to breathe a little easier every day. God gave him the gift of new lungs and we are not going to let them sit on a proverbial shelf and collect dust like those sweaters your Aunt May makes for you every Christmas. (wink)

Been Quiet

I know I have been quiet lately but in all honesty it is because I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Not many people realize how life is spun upside down and all around when dealing with a "terminal" illness such as Cystic Fibrosis or how draining it can be to go through an organ transplant. No, this is not a pity party - it is more like an awakening. You see, when you are in the middle of all that stuff, you don’t have a lot of time to think. Your actions are based on impulses and adrenaline rather than sitting there contemplating life.

Now that Greg is going on his 1-year post-transplant anniversary, I am realizing that life as we knew it no longer exists. We are given greater possibilities than we ever had and the problem is that when you are living life in one way, it is scary to change that. The time as come though for me to finally make the changes I need to in order for me to be happy in my life. I have spent so much time caring for others that I have neglected myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I have pushed aside those things that matter most to me and, unfortunately, by doing so, I cannot even remember what those things that truly made me happy were. Do they even still apply? I cannot answer that at this time. What I do know that it is time for me to wipe the dust from those things I have tucked deeply away in the back of my subconscious and let them live once again. What a wasted life is that which is not spent happy . . .

All Saints Day

Waking up this morning, my first thought was "Today is All Saints Day". Why? I have no clue, but my mind shot instantly to my second year in grammar school on this very day and what was a custom for Long Beach Catholic School. Every year, the second graders would choose a saint to do a report on and dress up for in a ceremony of sorts in the church next door. I was Saint Genevieve. Please don’t even ask me anything about that particular saint or why I chose her - all I remember though is the proud look on my parents' faces as I walked into the church wearing "saint-like" attire that my grandmother made out of some old white sheets. You could never tell that what I wore into the church that day was on my grandmother's bed just a month beforehand. (smile)

When I think about it today, I am filled with pride. I grew up poor and since we didn’t have much money, we had to make do with what we had, and, ironically enough, it was more than perfect. Today, however, I often loose sight of where I came from and forget how things are worth so much more when they are done yourself. We, as a society, look for the easy way out of things and therefore do not those things we have. We either buy stuff we don’t need or easily hand over our checkbook to some company to come in and do things for us. This, my friends, is a relinquishment of self power. These actions will not greet us one morning, some time in the far future, and bring a smile to our faces - such as my day as Saint Genevieve.