Quote of the Day Hits Home

This morning I was greeted by a feeling of missing something that it boggled my brain. It was kind of like I wasn't whole - like I was only living a half life. I am not sure if anyone else has had this type of sensation before but if you have then I know I don't need to explain it any further. For those that have never had this sensation, the only way it could be described is that you are not where you want to be in life and are unsure if you are on the right path. No, it isn't a life-quest type of feeling but more like a questioning feeling. You don't question yourself but you question how you can get to where you need to in order to be balanced.

Okay, some of you are reading this and think I am an utter fruit cake. Although that is sometimes not far from the truth, this time it is different. I see the world through slightly different eyes than most because of the life I have led and the life that I currently lead. I want something more in my life but it does not have to do with material items - it is more like a balance within that I need. Usually, I would fill this with a quest for knowledge and end up getting yet another degree. Fortunately, the education funds are dried up because I know well that this will not fill the quest and I will just have another expensive piece of paper.

After feeling this way for a while this morning, I checked one of my many email accounts and found the following quote:

"You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand."

*Woodrow Wilson

That's exactly what I mean! Unfortunately, the quote doesn't come with a detailed plan on how to enrich the world and forget the errand. I suppose cannot tell us the path for the path is different for everyone. It seems that each must learn this in their own time - if only I could dislodge the brick wall in front of me or, at least, scrape away the mortar enough to see what lie ahead.

Receiving the gift of organ donation

There was a heart warming meeting today between a local mother whose son was killed in a drunk driving crash and the man who received her son's gift of life.

But this meeting had a message for all of us.

This is the first meeting between two people whose lives were saved by organ donations -- and the woman who made the decision to donate her son's organs.

Donna Reed, son's organs saved lives: "I think it's all part of my closure. I'm happy I did this."

Her son Keith died in a car accident at the age of 24 two and a half years ago. Bill Sheridan received Keith's heart.

Mom and grandmom Katherine Scott received a liver and a kidney.

Scott: "It means a lot to me ... Best gift I ever had."

Without it, she would have died but amazingly her son, who knows that, is not sold on the idea.

Michelle Charlesworth: "Don't you want to be a donor?"

Son: "No."

Elaine Berg says he's not alone. Half of all Americans say no when asked about donating organs after death.

Michelle Charlesworth: "In our area, how many people are waiting?"

Elaine Berg, New York Organ Donor Network: "8,000 on that list."

Katherine says she is walking evidence that one person's tragedy can turn into another person's miracle.

(Reference: Charlesworth, M. Receiving the gift of organ donation. Retrieved March 29, 2006 from: http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?section=local&id=4029470)

Organ Donation Awareness

I have spent all morning searching out blogs that contain information on organ donation and transplantation. It is amazing how much information is out there and even more amazing is the number of people that write about a simple solution to getting the organs these people so desperately need. It is called "opt-out" and it is a very simple process to introduce to any country or nation, regardless of the social standing or religious ties.

Simply stated, "opt-out" is nothing more than all people within the country being organ donors unless they do not want to be, in which case they would simply "opt-out". So many people forget to tell their families that they want to be an organ donor and it is horrible how many families are put in a situation to donate their loved one's organs when the reality of that person's death is only seconds old. Why, in grief, should these people be made to make sure a difficult choice for their loved one? If the person would have conveyed their wishes to be an organ donor, then the family can just repeat the wishes instead of trying to guess what their loved on would have wanted.

If the country were to create an "opt-out" program, these families would not have to be put in the situation and the loved ones would automatically be organ donors. That is, of course, unless the loved one does not wish to be an organ donor. In that case, they simply check a box on the back of their driver's license or carry a card that states that they do not wish to be an organ donor.

Again, it is a very simple process and does not intrude any anyone's free will. This is a win-win situation as there are over 91,572 people currently on the transplant waiting list (Unos, 2005) in the United States alone! That is horrible if you take into account that when my husband was listed in 2002, there were a little over 83,000 people waiting and since then the number of people waiting has increased more than 8,000 people difference you see before you once you take into account those people that have died waiting for their transplant, those people that waited a short period of time and aren't counted in the difference, those that are waiting for multiple organ transplants, and those that are hovering on the active/inactive list because their health is just good enough to make then inactive but not cured!

So, why aren't we doing more? Why don't we create an "opt-out" program for organ donation. I can tell you why - because politicians are worried about what some people may think about them if they do something out of the box. For once, I wish they would start behaving with morals and get on the ball! People are dying and if an "opt-out" program will make it easier for people to become organ donors, while respecting their rights, then what's the problem?

Go to the gym? Again?

We were just at the gym last night and yet my wonderful husband calls from work to ask me how I am feeling. Instantly, I knew something was up. So, I snickered and told him "fine" in a very inquisitive voice. A small laugh came from under his breath and he said "that's good", with a long pause. Then it comes - "do you want to go to the gym tonight?" What? We were just there last night and you are asking me if I want to go again. Now, being the Philosopher that I am, I automatically looked at the word "want" and had to laugh out loud. Since when do people really "want" to go to the gym? It is more like a necessity. You know, when your pants refuse to make it past your hips without having to wiggle around, when you notice that your breasts are heading south for the winter and it is spring, when cords are on sale and you look the other way and try to not think of the fire that may start, and so on.

Yes, as you can tell, I used to be heavy at one time and can easily remember many of those moments. Okay, in all honesty, I am not afraid of the cords anymore but those other things are still a reality at times. (laugh) But, that in no way means I "want" to go to the gym. It is snowing out again, I have been sitting at the desk all day and my back hurts, and I am sure I can come up with a million more reasons why I don't "want" to go to the gym if you just give me 5 minutes. (smile)

Does that mean that I wont go? Not necessarily. You see, in 3 weeks I will be in Florida for a few days, visiting family. Most of the women in my family are very much overweight and so a little size 4 me shouldn't even think I need to get in shape or lose weight before seeing my family. Alas, there is a tricky part - you see, my family is Italian and I will have the opportunity to eat ALL of my favorite things growing up within a short 4 days. That means that I am either not going to fit in my pants when I get back from vacation (and work out a ton afterwards) or I have to go down there with loose pants. Which is the lesser of two evils?

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us

Eating and Nutrition

Why is it that we, as humans and Americans, so easily forget what is right and what works in our lives? We easily go on diets and within a short period of time, the New Year's resolution is long forgotten. Why? Simply, we are taught that easy is okay and that using food as a crutch is okay as well. Life is fast and food is faster. Americans eat so fast that I doubt they even taste the food that they eat.

Now, I am far from perfect and have a lot of work to do on my own but I have to say that it irks me. The problem is that we so easily forget that food is to be enjoyed and it is something that we need in order to live. It is not something that we should abuse and, unfortunately, a good portion of the population does abuse it. Why is this so important to me? It is very near and dear to my heart because 4 years ago, Greg was very ill and could only eat a low sodium and healthy diet. We both ate so much healthier and he felt better and I lost a ton of weight.

Now he has new lungs and I have less stress. You would think we would continue the healthier eating pattern but, that is far from the truth. Tonight I watched him consume a ham and cheese grilled sandwich, banana chips, chocolate milk, and a granola bar for dinner. Within the last couple of minute, he sat down with a hand full of jelly beans. This is how a man, who has steroid induced diabetes is eating and it is just not good. For me, today was the first day I ate healthier than normal but I even managed to squeeze in an ice cream bar. You know what? I ate that ice cream so fast that I didn't enjoy it as much as I could. Even during my consumption of it, I was thinking of what I could eat next.

So, now I am irked and feel like throwing all the bad food out of my house. But, I realize that it is not through deprivation that success will occur. Instead, it is through sheer will power and the realization that it is more painful to be fat and tired all the time then it is to be healthy and full of energy. It is not the destination but the journey that matters and it we need to take this journey slowly in order to be successful over a life long learned behavior.

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us

Post Transplant Information

I was going through the materials that the hospital gave Greg after his transplant and realized how much information there is about lung transplants or just organ transplants in general. Armed with a ton of information and willingness to help others (I sound like a superhero, don't I? *laugh*), I decided to update our Angel Cove Organ Donation & Transplant Awareness site. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough time to get all the information in but I was able to get the following pages added to the site:

Post Lung Transplant Physical Therapy Exercise
Post Transplant Medical Identification
Thanking Your Donor Family

It is my hope that this information may provide further assistance to individuals who are either pre or post transplant and their families. As time allows, I will continue to update the site with further information. With God's help, I am hopeful that the site will contain automatic updated news feeds that will pull all the crucial information from the Internet on organ transplants and patient resources so that all the information will be in one place and highly accessible to answer any questions patients, families, or further donors may have about organ donation and transplantation.

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us

On a Rush

Have you ever been on the go so long that at the end of it, you start thinking "What now?" The rush is far from over and you just look around feeling a bit bored and having nothing left to do. Well, there are a ton of things to do but I mean something fun. It is amazing how much you can do when you aren't worried about your health but rather living in the moment.

We did the normal chores stuff but then there was the dog park and spending time with my wonderful husband. This was the first weekend in a long time that we spent time together rather then spending money together. Alas, with medical problems comes medical bills. We have been very blessed with great insurance but there are those out of pocket expenses that come up. For the first time in a long time, we pushed all that aside and just enjoyed life. Of course, hiking through ankle high mud in a wooded dog park will definitely get your mind off everything - since you are too busy thinking about where to step so you don't fall into the mud face first! The dogs didn't care and we all took in the fresh air - with deep breaths that Greg could not take a year and a half ago.

So now what? Enjoy life - too its fullest. Taking into account what you do have rather than what you do not have. Realizing that every moment is a miracle that should be cherished and that life does not promise any one person in this world tomorrow. Live, love, and laugh!

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

They say that you shouldn't sweat the small stuff and you should live life as though the small stuff doesn't truly impact you. That just had to be written by someone without a lot of small stuff because people who are caregivers of someone with an illness do, indeed, sweat the small stuff.

For example, yesterday Greg and I went to work out and Greg cut his workout short. He said he was tired. Can you guess what happened next? Yep! I started to sweat the small stuff. My mind raced. Why was his tired? Was he feeling okay? Did he have the beginnings of a cold? I could go on and on about how my mind wandered but, the point is that it was needless and a poor use of my energy. As it turns out, Greg was normal. He was tired because he had a long day at work and was longing for his comfy clothes, the couch, and the remote control. That was it - plain and simple.

I will agree that this little bit of "small stuff" didn't need any sweating over but when it is also what has kept Greg alive for so long. It would have taken only 24 hours for a bug to kill him, had I not gotten him to the hospital for a pain in his back in 2002. Ever since then, I have learned to sweat the small stuff but to do so in moderation. No, we can't go crazy and think the sky is falling whenever something out of the ordinary happens but we can make a mental record of it and watch it a little more closely than usual. This innate ability makes us aware of our surrounding and throws up red flags when something could turn into a potential nightmare.

That is not to say that we should go around sweating every little thing that happens. We need to also appreciate the positive small stuff as well. A smile from a beautiful man that once had it hidden under an oxygen tube or being able to give a big and unobstructed hug to a loved one that no longer has machines hooked up to them. It just goes to show that not all small things are bad but, we should remember that it is not through sweat but through intuition and love that we are truly powerful against the negative small stuff that can infer with the smallest of pleasures in our lives. That is especially true for those that realize that we are not guaranteed tomorrow so we must live for today.

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us

As the World Turns

At 9:00pm, the phone rings and startles both Greg and I. No one ever calls that late at night and if they ever do, it is usually not good news. It was my father-in-law and I knew there was something wrong when Greg said "Really? When?" Then the conversation went on for about 30 minutes and some more comments were made. As it turns out, one of Greg's uncles was admitted to the county hospital. It took me a minute because, being a transplant from New York, I don't know the areas very well but I had never heard of the county hospital. Gee, you would think I know every hospital around here given Greg's health. I think it was the empty look on my face that had Greg pipe in: "That is the mental hospital". What? Wait a minute! Did he say his uncle or my uncle? I could understand if it were someone in my family given the mental health problems of some of the family members but his family was "normal" and his uncle was a laid back individual and always smiled.

Sadly, it is his uncle and this is not the first time it has happened. What could make him have a mental breakdown - having a couple of kids with cystic fibrosis, a high stress job, two of his brother-in-laws who died within a year of each other from cancer, or a sister-in-law that was diagnosed breast cancer shortly after? This was not the first time he has been admitted but I do pray it is the last and he is out shortly.

It did make me think though - about how stressful life has become in this world and how needless it is. People are running around in circles and life just gets out of control. I have been to shrinks before and sure, they make you face your problems but they never really help you learn how to deal with them. It is not what life throws at us but our ability to handle it that matters. That is what has kept me off medications and out of a mental hospital myself - I understand that I am in control of how I handle things - just like I expressed in my last blog post. I wish there was a way I could help others see how easy it could be - with some discipline - but I have learned that is not my calling. So, when I can't change the things I want - like helping out people like Greg's uncle - I pray and ask others to pray - for there is true power in prayer.

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us

Take a turn

We are going to take a turn here; if you please. I have just now noticed that most of my blog entries are about the things in my life that have confused me or that I have had to triumph over. Recalling the memories of my past helps me to remember where I have been and how, even during my darkest of times, I have found the power to continue on that path that I had chosen. Alas, it seems that the return to the past does not necessarily serve as a reminder anymore but more like a haunting. The travels into my nightmares and fears has, indeed, given those things power in my life and that is why I am unable to move on.

You see, my whole life was filled was fear at one time. I was afraid to let people see the real me because I was afraid they would not like me. Ironically, until the age of 16, I had even been a very proud virgin and let everyone know that I was not going to have sex until I was married. Why? Because all my friends were having sex and, even though I loved her greatly, my best friend was having sex more than most did back then. She would talk about it and I wanted something to talk about with her (because we were both changing and getting distant), so I slept with a boy I was dating for 6 months and he dumped me 2 days later. I didn't realize that it was the act that was wrong and jumped from one meaningless relationship to the next - even overlapping boyfriends and hurting so many people at the same time.

I have to laugh because even that simple memory just caused my stomach to turn. So many books and shrinks will tell you that you must face your past in order to move on. I am here to say that you must accept your past, learn from it, and move on. Facing the past keeps you there and keeps you prisoner to the fear that once wrapped its arms around you and crushed the life from your soul. I keep stating how I have moved on but then I realized today that the suffocation of those arms has a strong hold because I keep bringing it back to life. I keep reliving those dark days and trying to make things right.

The right thing is to throw out the garbage. So what if people think I am wrong in not having children of my own? So what if my loved ones only speak highly of me when it comes to a high level position I have attained, the money I make, or the number of graduate degrees I have? So what if I go to visit family and I am not perfectly toned? It is you who you should be concerned with and not others. You need to love yourself for who you are today - not who you were in the past nor who you can be in the future.

So, I have made a decision. I am going to toss out the trash. Now, some of it may try to fly back into the house when the wind picks up outside but I will be ready with my broom and do the best I can to not dwell on it and not let it enter my house. There is a great saying that I cannot remember word for word but it simply states that if you bring me a gift and I refuse to accept it, that gift is still yours. So, if people speak badly, judge me, or have anything negative to say about me and I choose to not accept it and not listen, then the continue to own their own negativity and hatred. Well, I have been given enough of these so-called gifts to last me a lifetime and refuse to accept anymore.

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us

Interesting Comments

So I write about my tossing around the idea of having children and get flooded with emails from complete strangers. Normally I would love feedback from my blog entries and I do thank the people for taking the time out of their lives to provide this feedback - I just wonder what was going through their minds. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not going to judge people as I am the last to judge anyone. It is just that some people wrote how I should have children because it is part of the sequence of events (date, marriage, house, children, etc) and others wrote how I should not give up on my dreams of having children. Ironically, not one person said I shouldn't have children - but I guess that would have been too blunt and most people aren't as blunt as me.

First, I want to clear up the image that it is my dream to have children. Actually it is in my dreams that I do have children but not necessarily a dream of mine to have any. There is the medical procedures to get pregnant, then there is the emotional roller coaster of it working or not working, then 9 months of water weight, frequent bathroom trips, hormone rushes, swelling breasts (and sore), added weight, and so on. Then add in giving birth to something the size of a watermelon through something the size of a walnut - hmm... This is not my dream. Sure, I know many mothers out there would say it is all well worth it and that I am stronger than I think. I will agree with you on both points and I know I could handle it. I guess it is more of do I want to handle it. You see, my life before Greg was far from rosy and then I met Greg and for 11 years now everything has been about his health and disease. We are finally free of all that and given a pass to enjoy our lives - since we put our lives on hold for so many years. Heck, the 3.5 year wait for his lungs kept us no more than 2 hours from the transplant hospital. Can you imagine all that time and not being able to travel with your new spouse or see anyone in your family because they are 900 miles away? Oh - and add to that the fact that I have twin 5-year old brothers who I have now only seen 3 times in their young lives.

Yes, I know I would make an outstanding mother as I am gifted in the area of children but do I want to go through it. Yes, it may risk Greg's health but is it worth putting his life in harm's way just to have children? Do I want to increase the chances of being a widow at a young age? These are all the things I have to think about - that is why it is not easy.

But, yet again, it is easy. You see, shortly after I wrote the last blog entry, we spoke about it and it became clear that biological children just aren't in God's plan for us. That does not mean that we wont have children - there are many children out there that need good homes.

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us

Kids and Illness

Some time ago, Greg and I had decided not to have our own children. The thought of bringing home an infant with as low as an immune system as my husband made us a bit nervous. In all reality, children get colds left and right. How was I to care for an infant and protect my husband at the same time, under the same roof? And, God forbid Greg get sick, how could I care for both - and what if we had more than one child?

But something has been bothering me - in the last few years, I have had these dreams of my children - babies to be more exact. They are usually newborns and when I wake up, I wake up with the feeling of loss that takes me a couple of days to get over. You see, I have lucid dreams and very vivid dreams in which sometimes I don't want to wake. So when I have dreams about children - my own children - I wake up with their face still in my minds eye and can even remember the smell of them as I held them close to me. It is something I cannot truly describe nor truly escape for a time after that.

I am a spiritual woman and believe that our dreams are a gateway to our hearts and souls. I wonder though if this is just a mourning process in which my mind has decided to go through or if deep down inside, I should open another conversation about children with Greg. If we were to have children, not only would there be the immune system issue but also issues with us getting pregnant. If you don't know already, 97% of men with cystic fibrosis cannot have children naturally and my husband happens to be one of those men. So it would mean a medical procedure, putting my own health at risk (my body doesn't like anything done to it), and then what may come after the child/children are born.

During my waking hours, I am at peace with the decision not to have children. Who knows, maybe we will adopt an older child. But, it is when I have these dreams that I wonder if what we are doing is right. It is when I get an email from another gentleman that has cystic fibrosis, announcing the birth of his first child, that I wonder if we too could make that dream a reality. I am now 32 years old and my time to do this is slowly fading - too much pressure - I wish my mind would just clear for a moment so that I can think without emotion. Funny though, I am a woman and sometimes emotion is our greatest asset and other times it is our greatest fault.

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us

Love in Warmer Weather

Finally! We will taking our first vacation together since Greg's transplant - actually it is our first ever vacation together in the 10+ years we have been together. We will be heading to sunny Florida to spend a few days with some of my family for Easter. The older people in my family are heading into their 60's and some are not in the best health. One of those people happens to be my favorite aunt and she has a heart problem. The family is so excited - I get to see a cousin I haven't seen since 1993 and Greg gets to go golfing every day if he wants. Well, we will need to make some arrangements in making sure Greg isn't over-exposed to the sun but I am sure SPF35 or higher should be fine with a hat and such. Why? Oh, because one or more of his transplant drugs is counter balanced by the sun. What does this mean? The more sun he is exposed to, the effect of some of his medications decreases. Of course, we don't want this so we just make sure to keep him covered and protected from the sun. No, he doesn't have to be a hermit - just protect himself from the sun like us Irish skinned folks!

While we are gone, the children will play. No, we don't have any human children silly - we have two chocolate Lab puppies. Luckily, Greg is blessed with a great cousin that will be house-sitting for us and taking care of the dogs for us. So less than a month and we can do our first true celebration of life from medical equipment. This also means the beginning of daily prayers for me that Greg will remain in great health and nothing will stand in our way!

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us

A simple change

Yes, I changed the design of the blog because the old one was getting hard to read for some people. This one has cleaner lines, lighter background, and seems a little less clutter. I do apologize for the headline text on each of the posts - seems a little squished but as soon as I figure out how to change it, I will. Promise!

Now onto life in our lane. Everything, thank God, is going well. I surprised my wonderful husband today when I told him how good he is looking because of all the working out. Of course, I waited for a compliment back, since I have been working out as well but, he is a man and forgets what woman want to hear. (wink) Anyway - as I told him this, I noticed that this is the first time his arms were starting to get muscular and he was sitting/standing taller. You see, back before he got his new lungs, he would hunch over and slouch his back because it was easier to breathe. The chest muscles weren't pulling tight across the chest and this released pressure on his lungs. With Cystic Fibrosis lungs, any pressure is not easily taken, and right before his transplant he only had around 10% lung function so he needed every breath he could get. Due to his miracle transplant and working out, his back is now straighter and he is able to build muscle. His once bulged Cystic Fibrosis belly (common) is now getting lean and streamlined. As I said this, he blushed - yet another marvel since he had not blushed for a long time before his transplant. His skin was always grey or a shade of blue due to the lack of oxygen so any blushing was always hidden behind the lifeless complexion. So, I guess it was more than one gift I got today - the gift of seeing my husband in great form and witnessing his first ever blush in our 10+ year relationship. Small miracles but miracles nonetheless.

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us

All is well

I know that I haven't posted in a couple of days and left off saying Greg wasn't feeling well. My apologies. I didn't mean to make anyone worry. Greg, my husband, is doing fine and it seems that it was just an overload of squishy bunnies (see previous post) and sleeping on a bed that was too soft for him. With another night of rest, on a firmer mattress, I awoke to a fresh faced man with no pain and not feeling sick at all.

Does this mean that he will stop the squishy bunny fetish now that Easter is upon us? No way! He doesn't see the need to keep his wife sane and keep her from needless worry about his health. (laugh) Actually, he is giving them up for Lent so that is at least something. Hey! Maybe if he gives up all his naughty candy during Lent, we can pack his glucose meter away for 40 days?? Oh well, one can always hope!

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us
http://www.cafepress.com/donorawareness

Health & Sickness

First off, let me start by saying that my friend Shana is now out of the hospital and doing well. They will most likely have to bronch her and put a stent in because her airways are narrowing a bit but that is nothing compared to what she has gone through. My husband has had his stent for over a year because of a "floppy" airway and it has done a wonderful job of keeping the air flowing perfectly to the lower lobe of his right lung. Although Shana still has some things to go through, she is home and breathing!

Now, let's get to my worry. My heart sank this morning as I watched my wonderful husband, Greg, cough up a little stuff this morning shortly after waking. He believes that his stent got a little clogged up because he was sleeping on his back all night. So, with that, I didn't worry. Well, that was until he said that his back hurt - the lower back to be more specific and straight across. Again, he says it is nothing to worry about as he probably had the bed too soft last night (we have a Sleep Number bed). For those that know us or know our story, this is what happened back in 2002 when Greg came down with a nasty pneumonia that kept him the hospital for 9 weeks, on a vent for 8 months, and almost took his life. He just woke up one morning with a pain in his back and it was downhill from there. Now he tells me he has a pain in his back so I told him to take his temperature, do his spirometry (lung function test), and take a couple of Tylenol.

Thank God, he has no fever and his lung functions are normal. Just recently I spoke to him and he said that the Tylenol did the trick and he doesn't have any more back pain. The joy overcame me as I felt like crying on the spot out of relief. That was until he told me that he doesn't know if he is going to work out tonight because his stomach is bothering him. What??? Okay - how did we go from lungs to back to stomach all in a matter of 4 hours??? He has nausea and otherwise is fine so I can't jump the gun but I can see the gun slowly turning itself this way. Oh how I hate this! Sure, it could be nothing more than too many eaten squishy bunnies (Easter Circus Peanut Candy) last night but he never gets an upset stomach and if he gets sick, he could be tossing his anti-rejection pills as well as those innocent looking candy bunnies. Now that is a problem! But, it is a problem he tells me not to worry about as he tried to console me on the phone. It is a pain to worry but even worse when you worry about something when you don't know if there is something to worry about. (takes a deep breath)

Okay, calm down Shannon - nothing to worry about here. Remember that fear is nothing more than False Evidence Affecting Reality so there is nothing to fear... Right?

~Shan
http://www.angelcove.us/